Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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