she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
