soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
