you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
