just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
