I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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