she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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