The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
