he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I want a musical about memes.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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