guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
