I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
