just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
