So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
organizing the empties. That sober.
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Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
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So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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