Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
