she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
