just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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