When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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