I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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