saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
