My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
