ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
