It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
