i just google imaged poop.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
