I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
