Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
