I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
