remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
