the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
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I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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