i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
