when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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