You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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