You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
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You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it