You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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