my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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