My nipple is on Facebook.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.