you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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