Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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