by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
