You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
