an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
