You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
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