please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
