god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
