we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
