to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize