Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
