nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
