So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
