dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
