I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
And then he peed in my hair
I did not marry a roomba.
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