My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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