I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
