Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
