you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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