my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
