I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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