Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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