I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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