Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
