Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
